On this day . . .

"Lines and curves man . . . My life has been reduced to lines and curves. Its everywhere and its making me feel so constricted" is what I told James, 10min or so into the economics (was referring to the graph the teacher was explaining. Have been learning a lot of new graphs lately) hour. Reaction: the whole bench was rolling with laughter. I was lost inside my world and was oblivious to everything, it didn’t affect me. It was nothing new; it was the usual Sid, but today, it was different.

I was so tired, I know it’s strange, to be tired at the beginning of the day. The truth is I had a rough night. I woke up two or three times because I had a couple of absurd dreams which can’t be commented about. However I can tell u this; it was far from being pleasant. It was quiet disturbing.

I left home an hour early even though I knew class stared at 10. I was certain my teacher was going to be absent today (for the first hour, 9 to 10). While leaving I had this nagging feeling of forgetting something. I ignored it.

On most occasions I take the public buses to college but today decided to get into one of those private vans. Normally I get into these vans only if I get place to sit but I made an exception today. I made a fool of myself as I had no strength to balance my frail structure. The rocking bus made me dance. I was too nervous and I had no courage to look at the audience. I am pretty certain they didn’t like my performance. If I could read minds I couldn't be alive. I took my seat after a passenger got off and it was a mundane bus ride until the van arrived at Richmond road (my stop). I reached instinctively into my right hip pocket and to my shock realized I had left my wallet at home. I checked my bag - i had nothing! My heart began to pound. I wished my chest gave way . . . but it didn’t. My face shrunk or at least it felt like it did. I went up to the driver and explained my predicament in less than half correct Kannada. I can not recall what he told me but I remember his voice went from anger to disgust to humor to pity and finally a helplessness maturity (which concealed large amounts of frustration) . I got off the bus, very humiliated and hurt.

I reached college and found nobody familiar. I sat beneath the trees with my loneliness, feeling awful and dejected. I felt the world knew about it and I think they were all judging me. Even the squirrels were staring at me and i bet they were laughing! My mind is constantly conjuring up imagined scenes of the amused conversations between the driver and the passengers. It makes me feel so disgusted with myself. I wonder if the driver told all his friends and if they told their friends and if I am the laughing stock of the whole city. The whole day was spent pondering this and its taking its toll on me. I wanna stop but it’s hard. There is way but I can’t go down that path for fear of hurting the few people I have left.

College got over at 1pm. I was a little more depressed by the afternoon and I decided to go home. I went to the bus stop and remembered I had no money so I went walking home. I was so exhausted when I reached my place. I had lunch and took a nap.

Got up in the evening, around 4. My head is still aching.

Its another Thursday . . .

So drained . . .

Sat the whole day and i have done nothing productive.
here is a lame poem i wrote . . .

i scream at dreams
drive them away
heartaches seem sensible

i hop to the wise tree
and say hello
he rambles
on in endlessly
rhythmic monotony
of worlds and heavens
of stars and love
solitude and void
wise themes
from a tree thats seen the ages
but has he seen you
or have i lost my mind

clear nights
when the songbird is still
only air between
moon and me
i muse under my blanket
if your real
its all i do i guess
you know i invented you
fight the loneliness
i love
but your unreal
its all a lie
but if its not
i may die

Thursday!!!!

THURSDAY!!!

I hate Thursdays! I love Saturdays and I don't mind other days but Thursdays are mean. Most of them turn out to be horrible - stuck in an uncomfortable place or situation, a fight with a loved one over some insignificant matter, weird things can take place and everything may seem to be against me, i feel more aware about how ugly and stupid i am or i may feel low for no reason. i feel this negative energy and i think the world is pessimistic on this day. The worst thing about this day is the fact that i was born on a Thursday. Why Thursday of all days? I am not into astrology or numerology or anything of that sort. I am an agnostic so these things don't effect me but i concede, i am fascinated by the . . . art.

Which other day, if not Thursday?

Monday - Is the moons day. i am not worthy. Its is the first working day of the week and its meant for hard working people who are good enough for the moon.

Tuesday - Boring! There is nothing to a Tuesday its the 3rd day of the week. Its dull and there is no charm in this day.

Wednesday - The exact middle of the week. To me it represents a cage of confusion. You are neither there nor here, essentially it means u are no where.

Fridays - Fridays are magical. Fridays appear casual but its the day for love. Its dedicated to Venus. Its a day for beautiful souls who know what care and love is all about.

Saturday - I love Saturdays and things i love are better off without me.

Sunday - as the name says is a day for the sun. I hate the Sun! Its all about ego, false love, anger, hatred and its destructive.

well apart from those days any other day would be fine.

Thursday is dedicated to Thor (also know as Jupiter or Zeus). The king of all gods, its a day for the strong but i am weak or not the person i was meant to be.