On this day . . .

"Lines and curves man . . . My life has been reduced to lines and curves. Its everywhere and its making me feel so constricted" is what I told James, 10min or so into the economics (was referring to the graph the teacher was explaining. Have been learning a lot of new graphs lately) hour. Reaction: the whole bench was rolling with laughter. I was lost inside my world and was oblivious to everything, it didn’t affect me. It was nothing new; it was the usual Sid, but today, it was different.

I was so tired, I know it’s strange, to be tired at the beginning of the day. The truth is I had a rough night. I woke up two or three times because I had a couple of absurd dreams which can’t be commented about. However I can tell u this; it was far from being pleasant. It was quiet disturbing.

I left home an hour early even though I knew class stared at 10. I was certain my teacher was going to be absent today (for the first hour, 9 to 10). While leaving I had this nagging feeling of forgetting something. I ignored it.

On most occasions I take the public buses to college but today decided to get into one of those private vans. Normally I get into these vans only if I get place to sit but I made an exception today. I made a fool of myself as I had no strength to balance my frail structure. The rocking bus made me dance. I was too nervous and I had no courage to look at the audience. I am pretty certain they didn’t like my performance. If I could read minds I couldn't be alive. I took my seat after a passenger got off and it was a mundane bus ride until the van arrived at Richmond road (my stop). I reached instinctively into my right hip pocket and to my shock realized I had left my wallet at home. I checked my bag - i had nothing! My heart began to pound. I wished my chest gave way . . . but it didn’t. My face shrunk or at least it felt like it did. I went up to the driver and explained my predicament in less than half correct Kannada. I can not recall what he told me but I remember his voice went from anger to disgust to humor to pity and finally a helplessness maturity (which concealed large amounts of frustration) . I got off the bus, very humiliated and hurt.

I reached college and found nobody familiar. I sat beneath the trees with my loneliness, feeling awful and dejected. I felt the world knew about it and I think they were all judging me. Even the squirrels were staring at me and i bet they were laughing! My mind is constantly conjuring up imagined scenes of the amused conversations between the driver and the passengers. It makes me feel so disgusted with myself. I wonder if the driver told all his friends and if they told their friends and if I am the laughing stock of the whole city. The whole day was spent pondering this and its taking its toll on me. I wanna stop but it’s hard. There is way but I can’t go down that path for fear of hurting the few people I have left.

College got over at 1pm. I was a little more depressed by the afternoon and I decided to go home. I went to the bus stop and remembered I had no money so I went walking home. I was so exhausted when I reached my place. I had lunch and took a nap.

Got up in the evening, around 4. My head is still aching.

Its another Thursday . . .