i have tests . . . :-(

Tomorrow my tests are starting and i haven't started studying! Maybe thats the reason for my miserable performance . . . oh well i am gonna start - really i am!!!

but
its hard to study when your heart is broken into a billion pieces or maybe its seven . . . anyways i wrote this poem and i hope u understand what i am going through (actually the note at the end of the poem will give you your answers).

I dream about blood
not u.
dying solo is not fun.
i need u to bleed with me.
u and me,
in your darkness,
we loath it all, each other.
time knows no end,
not so of misery.

Written for the only one i ever loved, my computer.
I hope to take this bitch to hell and she does too . . . I LOVE U PC :)

Friend

I was in a bad situation on Monday (1oth of December,2007) , had an argument with my best friend - i am not sure if this title still exists.
i was feeling so rotten that i wrote this poem,
its simply titled -

Friend.

Know what lies, Friend,
underneath the malice,
justified of course.
Friend,
i feel like an idea,
that had promise.
won't u love me anymore,
Friend?
i am sorry i am this way.
November is gone,
and the dark clouds.
i miss everything,
even more so,
as i hate December.
yes Friend.
its true, its ended.
in between our pain,
it was my wickedness.
its cruel how i behave,
i can't ever explain.
oh yes i know its ended,
but tell me why,
i still reach for your hand?
Friend,
why am i getting emotional?
its quiet clear our venture,
as best buddies for all eternity,
a failure without doubt.
so let us part -
u with your loved ones,
and i,
this thing.
yes this thing in my insides,
hating everything including itself.

home work

First journalism class after the holidays is tomorrow. The teacher had given us a small assignment.
and we had more than ample time to finish it, me on the other hand being the great person that i am wrote something in the very last min. The topic she gave us was weird!
write about an incident or a scene in not more than 250 words.
wat am i suppose to write!!!!!
anyways i did write something and i have decided to post it here, it sucks but i am tired and sleepy so this is the best i can come up with (not that i could done better in any other state). -

Four of us decided to go for a movie and later I wondered why I said yes. These old theaters are so poorly ventilated. I regretted having gone there, but I was determined to spend time with other human beings instead of being alone in my 10 by 9 den with my half dead computer.

The older two were religiously glued to the screen as their favorite actor (I can't remember her name) was delivering a bunch of clichéd dialogs that most Telugu movies just wouldn't seem complete without. There was no way my other friend and I could watch this junk!

We helped ourselves to their popcorn. I knew they wouldn’t mind, heck I don't even think they realized!

We were bored with the movie and to pass time my friend began telling me this ridiculous story of how the stain on his shirt acted like a lucky charm! My response to his story was the usual ritualistic nodding that one picks up in school (especially phy or maths classes), occasional doses of, 'oh OK' and strategic smiles.

There was this curly haired gentleman sitting in front of me. His hair was peculiar. I think he streaked it with white or gold but I couldn’t be sure because the lighting was poor (it was a theater after all). It troubled me. Why had he or who had done this to his hair? Surly he wouldn’t do this to his own hair - would he? I was furious! He had rock star like hair; thick wild and uncontrollable. Nobody would appreciate its beauty now. It was ruined. I reached up and felt my own miserably thin hair and tightened my teeth.

My friend was saying something about how the popular notion of rabbits being cute and cuddly was misleading. They are actually 'highly dangerous' he said, ‘I still remember the day when . . . .’

I just wanted to stand up and give the curly haired lad a piece of my mind. Finally the movie got over. We all stood up to leave. I clenched my fist tighter and tighter as I saw him and if only my friend wasn't in between I would have beaten him to a pulp!

We said good bye to the other two and shared an auto home. He stared off an immediate comparison of the autos in his home town and the ones in Bangalore. He was saying something about how the latter was more colorful. I was thinking of the curly haired guy and was hoping he would realize.

GOOD NIGHT!
I NEED SLEEP!

A mindless scribble

just some crap i wrote, i just felt like and i am post it . . .

mirthful laughter and mischief of beautiful ones,
souls with promise dance to bold music,
in this summer carnival,
and i am the man in gray
i walk to the far and fade.
but,
only after noticing you.
i swear i called,
but my voice died.

please free to leave comments.
BUT NO QUESTIONS!!!!!!
Happy Diwali people.

Holidays – I hate this, I love this!

Holidays started on the 18, after my last exam, English. I screwed up. It doesn’t come as a surprise really; I am Siddharth the fat loser after all. My holidays are already half over and I have done nothing productive. I did nothing but ‘rot’ (using my friend’s terminology) at home.

Yesterday I went to a wedding with my uncles. It was a Brahmin wedding. Very colorful and chaotic, this is the norm in most Hindu weddings. My uncle was the only officially invited guest at the wedding, he knew almost everybody there. The moment we entered he was lost in conversations with his many friends and acquaintances. My other uncle and I were lost; we sat quietly and observed the madness as both of us were aliens in this strange place.

I spend a lot of time quietly observing the people there. It was quiet funny looking at grown men greeting everybody. They were all very loud and excited.

I saw this one lady standing in the corner. She was probably in her late 30s or so but it’s hard to be accurate on things like this. She had streaks of gray and wore a very beautiful purple sari. I think it was the sari that caught my attention. I am a sucker for most things purple. She was different from the other women folk present on that occasion. She had large pretty eyes that sparkled with a child like mischief, a stark contrast to her face which was quiet and reserved. She reminded me of someone; my best friend. I was over come by a variety of emotions. I felt depressed, lonely and wanted to run away and withdraw into my shell. I wanted to cry but I never cry. It was me who slowly pushed her out of my life. I don’t deserve a beautiful person like her or anybody else for that matter. I know this sounds absurd but I believe she was there to remind me of how pathetic I am. I turned away and looked at the window, children were playing outside. They seemed happy.

Few mins later the thali was tied. We were sitting right at the back and didn’t see anything happening but heard the distinct Nadeswaram. Mechanically all of us stood up and threw the ceremonial rice at the couple, mine landed on a lady’s head as I was 100ft or so from the newly weds. It was lunch time after a few mims and we went away downstairs to the basement to eat. The food was delicious. It tasted like the food in my best friends house.

Tribute to the zodiacs!

This post is dedicated to the 12 zodiac signs.

I took two tests on tickle -
the first one was about which sign i should belong too based on my personality.
This is what it said -
(click on the image to enlarge)


The next was titled - The Zodiac Match Test.
Here is the result -
(click on the image to enlarge)


I also took a series of tests that tell me how much i have in common with each sign -

oh and i don't believe in the zodiacs, just highly fascinated.

The links for the tests are,
How Cancer are you?
How Scorpio are u?
How Pisces are u?

How Capricorn are u?
How Virgo are u?
How Taurus are u?

How Gemini are u?
How Libra are u?
How Aquarius are u?

How Sagittarius are u?
How Leo are u?
How Aries are u?


Can you guess what sign i belong to?


WATER signs - According to astrological theory, water signs are characteristically intuitive, imaginative and deeply emotional. for more on water signs please read link
Water signs are Scorpio , Cancer and Pieces

You are 60% Scorpio

You are 87% Cancer

You are 73% Pisces

EARTH signs - Earth signs are traditionally associated with stability, solidarity, and practicality. For more on earth signs please read link
Earth signs are Capricon , Virgo and Taurus

You are 60% Capricorn

You are 53% Virgo

You are 40% Taurus

AIR signs - According to astrological theory, air signs are the talkers and communicators.
For more on air signs please read link

Air signs are Gemini , Libra and Aquarius

You are 47% Gemini

You are 47% Libra

You are 60% Aquarius

Fire signs - The fire signs are termed positive and extroverted, and are supposed to be active,creative,ingenious, dynamic, and highly energetic.
For more info on fire signs please read link
Fire signs are Aries , Leo and Sagittarius

You are 40% Aries

You are 20% Leo

You are 47% Sagittarius

Everybody talks of the good qualities of their zodiac signs, but what about the negative ones, interested? read on :-)


Aquarius (Jan 23-Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid.
Everyone thinks you are a ******* jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23- Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads.
You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss
off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA.
You have little influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power.
You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23- May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work
like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23- June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little.
This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23- July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker.
You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a ****.
Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot.
Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting.
Leo people are thieving motherf****** and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your ****-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and
co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while *******.
Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality.
If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil.
Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.
You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.
You are the perfect son-of-a-*****. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23- Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of ****.

Capricorn (Dec 23- Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit.
There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Its just a fun thing i found.
Hope i don't offend anybody.
If u are offended i didn't write it so don't curse me ;-)

An embarrassing story

I have another one hour or so with nothing to do and a loser like me has no friends to while away time with. so I taught I would write about something that happened when I was doing my 2nd P.U.C. Ah my PU days, it was a much happier time but I don't want to wallow in nostalgia, I have had enough of that during this week and believe me when I say ENOUGH! Seriously folks it’s so dame depressing sometimes when I think of the past.
Returning to the story that I am supposedly writing -

We finished our classes early - or I think it was a Saturday. So we decided to take a stroll. It was a hot afternoon and I wanted something to drink. Nilgiris was the closest store. Therefore I proposed we have flavored milk, the unsympathetic afternoon sun coupled with the attractive price of Rs.7 added to the appeal of the proposition. Everybody was supportive of the idea and each one of us ended up with a packet each!
The store has a small space outside with a tiny counter that sells confectionery and other goodies. As you already know it was a Saturday afternoon and the place was somewhat packed. We decided to stand there and finish our drink and dispose of the packets in the bin provided as Bangalore is notoriously known for its scarce bin population. So we are all standing there and sipping away and as usual me being the person that I am couldn't possible let any day pass without cracking some silly PJs.
unfortunately or actually fortunately for you guys, I can't remember the joke but I do recall it involved a lot of hand gestures - necessary or unnecessary I don't know but a lot of them were involved. After the complex movements seized I let my hand glide like a free falling body. Unfortunately for me it was brought to rest by a rather unhappy lady's buttocks! My friends, believe me when I say this; I AM THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH WHO WOULD ATTEMPT SOMETHING EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO ANYTHING LIKE THIS! Reluctantly I turned to face her. One part of me wondering whether I would see another day and the other part wishing I was already dead! I will never forget the next couple of seconds. I turned to her and I tried to tell her that it was an accident and that I was very very sorry. I don't know how my face looked at that point of time but I am dead sure it was pretty pathetic. Her face was SCARY! How she normally looked I don't know but she could have given King Kong a run for his money. She stared at me for what seemed to be eternity but my friends told me it lasted only a few seconds. She turned away and we slipped out of the store.
My friends and I were at a loss for words and I guess they were as embarrassed as me, except for one moron who found my predicament rather amusing! Of course it’s funny to all us now but at that point he should have reserved his comments!

I still think of this day sometimes and laugh to myself.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUDDY!!!!

well there are two reasons for this post -
1. as you already guessed today is my friends birthday so just wanted to wish him.
also because its his birthday i think its only fit that i say something about him -
ahem, cough cough
well speaking of great men is always difficult . . . fortunately for me its only Nirmal or Ajmal or papa or the many other yet to discover names! ;-)
he he he only kidding, just wanted to say thanks for being there for me, even though your mean aggressive and did i mention mean!
but seriously thanks for being my friend!

2. i wrote a stupid poem on the 5th.

. . . i couldn't think of a title.

Life's sullen beat,
so impossible to ignore.
I am lost,
Somewhere . . . in no where.
Among butterflies and wine,
I shall not hear you!
Listening to the songbird,
my tear smiles in secret.
No where but here i feel so blank.
Peace . . . treasure so elusive,
at last i found you.
Am i alive?
Seriously would you know?
Seriousness is just so silly.
nibbling a rainbow cookie.
The songbird's echo,
i cannot comprehend,
its not from here.
I am alone.
Somewhere . . . in no where,
Where i killed sanity
and where i made friends with mosquitoes in my head.
I want to be a purple stone.
Anything would suffice,
love and air so unnecessary.
Where am i now?
Somewhere . . . in no where?
I locked Me here forever.
The songbird flew away.
The night is moonless.

please suggest a title if you can . . .

Economics Hour

The lectures are, unlike lectures. They seem to be a large mass of incoherent words. My mind breaks free and travels far, far away. I soar above the tiny college. I fly to far away lands.

I am now in a park. I love parks they are so peaceful. I simply love them. I am in complete awe of nature. Trees! Aren’t the absolutely lovely? They are all unique in there own way, they each touch are lives in one way or the other. I love the fruit trees, the large shady ones, the flowery ones, they are all beautiful! I walk with the same sense of wonder and amazement as my little cousin sister watching me perform a very unimpressive card trick. Its paradise, but . . . what’s that, in the distance. What a ghastly sight! My eyes revolt and turn pale. Nauseated, I look up at this horrid sight. Frail branches that support none . . . the rotting trunk . . . the fruitless twigs, welcoming no bird. The benevolent forces does not strike you down. You don’t deserve air . . . you suffocate all. You deserve no nutrition . . . you rob people’s appetite. You waste space intended for a worthy person. I want to purge this land of your presence . . .

don’t you think so?

“Therefore every tree which does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire” – Matthew 3:10

College life sucks!

I wonder if all people have the experience of waking up in the morning and knowing that their day is going to turn out badly. I have been having a lot of these mornings lately. Anyways I don’t want to scare the person who accidentally stumbled on to this page by elaborating the various complex emotions that run through my dying brain. I just wanted to speak about two things going on in my life or rather one thing and one incident that happened today (written on Thursday, 2^nd august, 2007) .

As you may or may not know I am currently 19years and I shaved for the first time in my life (I know its lame) on Monday (30^th of July, 2007). Now let me be honest with you, my face is probably the most ugliest thing in this planet and my mustache made it look 0.1% more bearable. I don’t know why but I shaved my mush and I look horribly weird! I am feeling very under confident (not that I have an awful lot of confidence to star off with). Its really starting to take its toll on me. I really hope this thing grows back, FAST! You people may declare me a mad man but I am avoiding my friends because I look even more miserable now than compared to before. I really don’t want to see anyone until my mush grows or to be more precise I don’t want them to see me until my mush grows back. I know its stupid but I just feel horribly conscious. Its like everybody is staring at me with a disgusted look that says, “where the hell did he come from? . . . The gutter?! ? I ‘hide’ during the lunch break so that nobody sees my horrible face and loses their appetite. Today one of my friends forced me to come out for lunch with him (he already saw me cause we sit together in English class). So reluctantly I went with him to a restaurant (I made it explicitly clear that I didn’t want to sit in the canteen area because most of my friends eat there lunch there). After we finish our meal I remembered I needed to get my id card done (which was suppose to be done one and half months ago!). The next 15mim was absolute chaos; we spent all our time arguing and then finally plotted out the best route to take (so that I could get to the office undetected). Luckily for me none of my friends saw me (at least I hope they didn’t see me). I finally managed to get my id card stamped and signed. Now all I needed to do was to take it to the library and make my lib card. I was suppose to make my lib card one year ago but I of course, live in another planet and therefore in a different time zone itself so the taught of making a lib card occurred to me only now (well actually I almost got it done last year itself, it’s a lengthy story and I may tell you guys later).

I walk into the lib and ask the first gentlemen sitting at the counter. He first asked me some questions and when he learned that I was a second year student he immediately enquired about the lib card I had last year! To save myself from the humiliation of telling him I never made a lib card I told him a white lie about how I lost it. He along with the lady sitting next to him fired a volley of questions at me and finally asked me to write a letter addressed to the lib or something like that I don’t quiet remember, explaining to them as to how I lost my lib card and requesting them for a new one. Isn’t that ridicules! Writing a letter about how I lost a card that doesn’t really exist! I can’t help but to wonder how things would have turned out if I just told the truth. Why do I do these things?

Anyways I am sleeping and if I get a new lib card you guys will be the first to know . . .

Good night . . .

hope? or my burning soul?

I totally suck at poetry and this is probably one of the worst poems ever but i taught i would share it with you, anyways . . .

lost in the labyrinth of senses,
the end tormentingly far,
this Stygian tunnel's escape,
like, glowing coal on the night's sand.

what do i see?

hope?
or
my burning soul?

how mature am i?

You Are Somewhat Mature You definitely act like an adult sometimes, but a big part of you is still a kid at heart.
While your immature side is definitely fun, you're going to have to grow up sooner or later.

how old do i act?

This is a test i took and the result is not pleasing . . . :-(


You Are 10 Years Old Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

My time has finally come!

Today is the day i get to see iron maiden. i just can't wait people, its been my dream to see them perform live. for toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long have i waited Enough is enough,
IRON MAIDEN HERE I COME! i can't wait, i just can't . . . :-)

. . . :-)

hey people,
today is my friends birthday . . . i am sooooooooooooooooooo happy . . . :-)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ..... thats all i can say . . . :-)
sorry guys i am just a little crazy today . . . :-)

Missing entry - 1

14^th December, 2006

I really need to get over my stage fright. Today in the additional English class the teacher gave us a speaking task. In other words she called people up at random and asked them to speak about anything. Basically it’s a kind of spontaneous speaking task. Now foe those of you who don’t know me, I have a huge problem when it comes to facing large crowds. The teacher knew I had a problem but she seemed very unsympathetic despite my constant pleading. Well anyways I was forced to go up there and I bet none of you guys can guess what I spoke about. I spoke about why I can’t speak in public. I know its ridiculous but that’s all I could come up with. Well at least the entire class had a hearty laugh at my expense.

If there is anyone out reading this entry please if u have any ‘cure’ or ‘remedy’ for my problem please do comment. I am in desperate need of change.

Hey people, i am back!

Ok, I know this entry is long overdue but I had a reason, the thing is I had a dangerous assignment in the very heart of Amazon forest. Just picture this folks, I am lost in this forest, my food supplies got over 15days ago. My only companion is a person who just consumed his own hand for lunch! This mad man was hungry again and he started to stare! SUDDENLY! Without warning he . . . ok ok ok , I am a big fat liar. I was just busy these last couple of days and whenever I got time I was either to lazy or to depressed to type. Also my computer’s hard disk crashed! So I had to endure 18or so days without her! L That’s really depressing! I felt sooooooo crippled!

Anyways, I am back and I promise to be better. I am visiting this page after two months, I am one lame blogger!

Oh and my next entries will be titled missing entries. These entries should have been published earlier (I wrote them in my book but never published them). I will mention the date so don’t go by the published date.